Although Companionship is a universal need, love, fulfillment and satisfaction in marriage do not just happen. Many marriages begin with great hope and expectation, but come to a screeching halt through an affair, or just sheer boredom. What does it take to have a thriving marriage that lasts a life time?
 

The phrase “His Needs, Her Needs” was coined by Willard Harley who listed out the top needs for men and the top needs for women.(1)

The Husband’s Five Most Basic Needs
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

The Wife’s Five Most Basic Needs
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

As soon as you have read this list, if you are a husband or a wife, you may feel like it just doesn’t fit what you personally think is the most important thing to you. Others of you are reading the list and you look at your spouse and say “See, I told you I needed this.”  Please do not take this edition of The Magnolia and hit your spouse over the head with it.  Rather, look at the list and ask yourself honestly. Am I meeting my spouses’ needs?  

John M. Gottman, PH.D. put couples in a “Love Lab” to try to see if he were able to predict divorce. One hundred thirty couples volunteered to not only to be watched, but video-tapped in the living room and kitchen of an apartment. They watched and examined how couples related to one another. The couples who were not doing well in their marriage often began a disagreement with a harsh tone. Soon the scientists watching would observe what they labeled as “The Four Horsemen.” These four negative styles of behavior are lethal to a marriage and may lead to a chaotic end. Here is the list:(2)

Horseman 1:  Criticism. Criticism is more than a complaint. Criticism attacks character and blames the other person, “What is wrong with you?”

Horseman 2:  Contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are common types of contempt. This disgusted attitude sometimes includes name-calling, mockery, sneering, or making a joke at the others’ expense.

Horseman 3:  Defensiveness. Defensiveness denies that you have a problem and focuses all the blame on your partner. “I’m not the problem, you are!”

Horseman 4:  Stonewalling. This is the last horseman to arrive, but the first one to parade off giving the silent treatment to the spouse. Stonewalling occurs when one partner just shuts down or tunes out the discussion. They ignore the spouse with a coldness that is felt by everyone involved.

You may be feeling right now, what should we do? The four horsemen do not only know our names, but they regularly visit at our address. If you are experiencing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in your marriage, you are probably looking for a fresh start. A new beginning can occur right now, as you make a choice to change. If you have been doing this “dirty-dance” far to long, just change the steps and change the way you relate.

As you change the steps of your marriage dance, you will need to be purposeful and begin to relate in a way that meets each others needs. Rather, than pointing your finger and demanding that the other person change, how about you go first. Are you the best person that you can be? Are you meeting your spouse’s needs physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally? Are you intimately connected at heart, in spirit, in mind, and in body?

What does it take to have a thriving marriage? It takes a lifetime of intimate connection and honest discovery. Enjoy the journey.

1.  Willard F. Harley, Jr. His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage,1994.
2.  John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999.